My name is Jaynel and my clean date is May 20, 2022.
I was born and raised in Broward County and I was introduced to narcotics anonymous when I was five years old. I was an N.A. baby, but unfortunately, I chose to walk my own path and learn the hard way. I’m grateful to be able to say that with the help of Narcotics Anonymous in Broward County I was able to get clean.
I was placed into foster care at a early age without a lot of understanding of myself or why, and I ran away a lot, and was bounced around to different group homes. I was introduced to alcohol and weed. I still attended school and I managed to graduate, but after that my life became a party. I partied every day. I partied so much that I stopped coming home and eventually made that my life.
I was introduced to a drug dealer who became my boyfriend and that was how I was introduced to more drugs. We would live in trap houses where I witnessed a lot of horrible things while living with him in and out of trap houses. Using became a regular thing for me, and I now know that I was using just to live. It was the only way I knew how to comfort myself at this point in my life. To me, this life was normal.
When I got pregnant with my first daughter, I swore that I would make some changes. I left Florida and everything I knew to go be with a person I knew nothing about. I even got married. The disease followed me. Things I thought I would be able to control were uncontrollable. Any feelings of discomfort, unhappiness, or displeasure led me to use. When my daughter was born prematurely which brought on a lot more stress and work and all I could do to cope was use.
I didn’t really have a lot of support from my “then” husband, and being far from friends and family I found myself feeling all alone in Georgia. I found myself being led into a darker place which resulted in fights that got physical. When I found out I was pregnant again, I knew it was time for me to leave.
I came back to Florida with a lot of shame because I felt like I had failed. I had my son, and was trying to deal with where my life had led me. I continued to use. I had two kids in diapers and even though I had a little bit of support I always fell back into the dark places in my head. This would lead me back to drinking, and using whatever else I could find including Flocka.
The chokehold of my disease had taken over and I could not stop. After about two weeks, I woke up and my son wasn’t breathing. He passed away. Flocka became my best friend. I literally wanted to do nothing else but Flocka. I had so much guilt, shame, and could not stop blaming myself for his death. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I did not want to feel my feelings, be talked to about my feelings, be around anyone, or go to any grief counseling; I just wanted to use.
I got pregnant around this time and even being pregnant and knowing that I had a baby growing inside of me did not stop me from using! A couple weeks before I had her, I went to Susan B Anthony. I had a little bit of hope. I knew there was a way. I just never gave it a chance. I managed to get some clean time (over a year) and I ended up getting pregnant again I had another baby girl and a couple of months after I had her I found out that her father was using.
He would go missing for days, sometimes weeks, and I wasn’t mentally prepared for that, I was home alone with four kids in diapers, three of them were my daughters and his son, and after struggling to live like that for a while I started to lose myself and the little bit of recovery that I had, and eventually gave up. My kids were placed into the system at that time and the feelings of guilt and shame started to arise.
I kept fighting for my recovery. Nine months here then a relapse, eight months there then another relapse. It was like I could never really get it. I would always get so close to getting my kids back, but then I would mess up.
Eventually my parental rights were terminated for all three of my girls. That’s when I totally gave up and felt like there was nothing to fight for. I had already lost them and really could care less about myself.
I was introduced to crack cocaine, and for three years, the drug that I told myself I would never do, became all that I did!
This last run took everything from me. I lost my kids. I have a heart condition, and I even had to get a toe amputated because I let it deteriorate so bad and refused to get care because I just wanted to get high. I literally hit rock bottom, and even after knowing all of that, I still continued to use.
The God of my understanding had a different plan for me, plans that I didn’t even think were possible!
Something changed, and I got tired of living like that. I got tired of doing any and everything to get high. Tired of using just to live. It was no longer fun. When the fun stopped it just became something I had to do, and when it started being something I had to do I stopped liking it. I stopped enjoying it. I realized I did not have to do it. That’s when I sought out something else.
I went to detox and treatment and when I got out, I was introduced to Fellowship RCO and I went to the women’s recovery residence. My life changed. I was taught how to live again. I was taught that I can have feelings, and it’s okay to feel them. I learned that my feelings are valid. I’m glad I can now express these feelings in a healthy way and process them. I was taught that it can be okay to trust people, and that I can have relationships with people who don’t just want to use me or cause me any harm.
I AM SAFE .
With a lot of help from House Managers Stacie, Dawn, and Taylor, I learned the value of having WILLINGNESS!!!
The 90 meetings in 90 days and the journaling made no sense to me until it started to make perfect sense!
I was a hot mess when I got to Fellowship RCO Recovery Residence, and that didn’t change for a couple of months, but by the grace of God, IT DID.
I’m a different person today. I’m not perfect, but I am getting better every day. Fellowship RCO as a whole provided the structure for my recovery, and has helped me get to where I am today. My recovery support network was built throughout the organization and they continue to help me on a daily basis.
I have women I can reach out to. I have resources if I ever need them, Fellowship RCO is family.
I have a family that shows up whether it’s a phone call, a text message, daily quotes of inspiration…they keep me connected. I will forever be grateful.
I just celebrated two years of recovery I have a sponsor who has a sponsor. I have a home group, I have support and I have women who reach out to me for support. I have a home where my daughters can visit. I’m in a healthy relationship with someone who loves me, and I have a three month old son that will never know the person that I was in active addiction.
I refuse to go backwards. I’ve surrounded myself with life-lines in recovery that won’t let me. I don’t have to be afraid of where life leads me because I have so many people around me who are living it too, and that are rooting for me.
Fellowship RCO’s Recovery Residence will always be home for me. I still attend the mandatory meeting on the last Monday of the month for medallion night to honor the celebrants and celebrate our recovery in unity.
